Elvis Banishing Ritual

The Lesser Elvis Banishing Ritual Of The Sequined Pentagram

by The Rev. Saint Pope Oblyvion

The purpose of this ritual is to clear the area of all Elvis-negative influences. This includes all that are not patriotic and all that are not of White Trash at heart. Begin by facing in the direction of Graceland. For easy reference, we shall call this East.

The Holy Cross of Elvis

  • Visualize the infinitely bright light of a Las Vegas spotlight descending upon you.
  • Draw this Holy Light into your head, intoning: LOVE ME
  • Point downward, hand over... personal privates..., intoning: TENDER
  • Point to right shoulder. LOVE ME
  • Point to left shoulder. TRUE
  • Conclude by saying: "Uh-huh".

    The Four Direction of Elvis

  • Facing East (Graceland), draw a bright, blue, sequined pentagram in the air.
  • Be sure to visualize the light reflecting off of the shimmering sequins. Intone: Ehhhh
  • Draw a pentagram to the south. Intone: Lllll
  • To the west, intone: Vihhhhh
  • To the north, intone: ssssss
  • Between each of the above steps, you should make part of a circle connecting each Pentagram. This circle should be made of the Light of the Holy Las Vegas Spotlight.

    The Four Elements of Elvis

  • Imagine yourself bathed in the Holy Vegas Light. Face Graceland.
  • Before you, imagine Elvis as a baby, containing his True Elvis Potential. This is the Elvis of Air. Say: ELVIS, thou who were born a King in Lowly Surroundings. Fulfill your potential. Be present with me today.
  • Behind you, imagine the young man Elvis, on the brink of Stardom. This is the Elvis of Water. Say: ELVIS, thou who art about to realize your Kingliness among men. Fulfill that Potential. Be with me today.
  • To your right, imagine Elvis in the prime of his career, when he was making movies and the like. He thrusts his pelvis suggestively. This is the Elvis of Fire. Say: ELVIS, thou who art leading us to Light. Be with me today.
  • To your left, imagine Elvis in his Las Vegas stage. He wears sunglasses and is slightly pudgy. This is the Elvis of Earth. Say: ELVIS, thou who didst die on the pot of an overdose. Be with me today.

    Thus ends the Ritual.

    This ritual should be repeated daily. If you wish, you may use Elvis music in the background to aid your concentration. If you have an altar, it should contain a Microphone Wand, a Microphone-Stand Dagger, an Elvis "45 Disc, and small porcelain toilet (Chalice).

    May the Holy Light of Las Vegas Shine within you.

    Love is the Law. Love under Rock & Roll.

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