I laughed so hard I had tears comming down my eyes.
Pagan Owl
Message #19
Date: Thu, 29 Aug 2002 20:16:25 -0400
From: "Rikki"
Subject: Re: Ripening Bananas!!
How to ripen green bananas quickly:
Take the bananas and wrap them tightly in an unused baby diaper. If unsure if the diaper is unused, apply to nose, inhale. Then bury the package under the doghouse. A porch or a shed will do, as long as some animal has been known to frequent it.
Then go to a local pub and buy a pint of the darkest ale for the bananas. Drink the ale. Once the ale is consumed, then get another pint, and drink that one as well. Once this is done, repeat the procedure to the point where you can just manage to walk out of the bar.
Walk to the nearest residence and ask for some yellow bananas, in a loud and high-pitched voice. If they give you some, then proceed to any corner store or drug store. If no bananas are forthcoming from the bastard, then proceed to a grocery store.
In the store, ask anyone who passes by you where to find large condoms, in a very loud and obnoxious voice, in Mandarin or Urdu. If you don't know either of these two languages, try speaking in tongues or in Enochian, or just make it up.
Once you (find bananas in the grocery store and) approach the teller, and cordially ask for some giant condoms. Once you have a package in your grasp, bite the stem of the banana off, open one of the condom packages before the teller can protest, and apply a condom on the banana, bitten-end first. Then bring your fist down hard on the condomed banana so that the insides explodes into the "reservoir tip." Shout for joy, pay for the condoms (and bananas, if you're in the grocery store), and go home.
Put the bananas and the condoms on the kitchen table, write a little friendly note to yourself (if you're still able and coherent) for the morning. If you cannot think of anything to write to yourself, write "That's right, you nut, you actually DID it." And Voila! Ripe bananas!
Love Rikki
Blessed Be and 93
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